Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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