I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
i now understand why vodka
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
