I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
