omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
