We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
