Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
