Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
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