So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
