mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
