I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
