First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
