I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
