I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
