I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
