Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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