____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
