You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
