well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
