I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
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