The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
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