What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
