Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
