sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Randomize
