She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
