Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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