A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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