We're facebook friends in real life
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
wanna go halves on a baby?
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
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