sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
