So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
