apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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