I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
