Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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