why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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