end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
