I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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