i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
