My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
