Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
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