if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
The struggles of a small town man whore
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
