I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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