My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
