happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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