You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
