cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
