What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Randomize
