i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
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