he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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