I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
