i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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