Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
