I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
