Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
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