She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
