she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
