I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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