Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
