he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
