His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
