i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
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