Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
