Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
